…this was something that was said to me by the bestie today.
I think I may have talked to him a good three or four times today. It’s actually a record b/c I usually maybe talk on the phone with him once or twice in a week…briefly. But today was different. I think that I invited certain things into my ‘space’ that really caused my entire day to be sort of messed up.
There’s so much going through my mind right now. Since I first started blogging back in 2004, I’ve used a personal blog as a way of expressing whatever was on my mind at the moment. Good, bad, indifferent…if it needed to be said, it was likely posted on public domain for all to see. I got so use to the idea of not being able to keep a physical journal (they’d be thrown away) that the thought of having one now just seems so foreign. Learned behavior, I suppose….
Where do I begin….
I’ve blogged many times (both in written form and on Youtube) about my (past) life not being the best in the world. I’ve made a ton of not so good decisions that couldultimately impact me for the rest of my life. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated (not in dating relationships…), I stolen things. I’ve been hungry, homeless, hopeless. I’ve been a bad friend, a bad sibling. Anything that you can put the word ‘bad’ in front of, it’s likely that I’ve been it.
I’m 31 now. And while I still feel as though I’m a work in CONSTANT progress, I also know…factually….that I’ve grown into a much better person. There are people out there who will decide not to believe that for one reason or another…some reasons more valid than others. But I do know that I have changed a lot. I’ve outgrown certain things and people. And sometimes, I don’t take heed to that.
Without going into too much detail (in other words, don’t look for specifics…not today), I will say that there are people and things that I’ve held on to…things and people that I’ve needed to let go of for quite some time. You know how you have a situation that just doesn’t work out? No matter how much you try to mold it into whatever cute piece of art you’d like for it to be, the picture is still distorted? That’s where I am right now with a lot of things and people. There are things that have become so commonplace in my life that it seems that letting go or moving beyond it is damn near impossible. Or at least I thought it was.
There’s just no explaining your position sometimes. There are people out there who, no matter what your personal intentions are, will try to break you in every way imaginable. You’re so blinded by a kind gesture, a compliment, a random ‘reach out,’ that you don’t think back on any of the reasons why you ‘left well enough alone’ in the first place.
Anytime you can reflect on memories of your past with someone…or something….and the majority of the things you remember have some negative stigma attached to it, leave it alone. Sometimes you have to be hit with the ‘reality of your past’ to understand that your current situation is no longer the same. And because of that, the people that you surround yourself with, the things that once seemed all too familiar….they all have to change too. It’s not really about ‘forgetting where you’ve come from’ but instead, remembering that you have places to go. And being held back by people who aren’t forward thinkers, those dark clouds, or ‘negative Nancys’ won’t help your progress in the long run.
When I blog like this, I find myself being a part of that backspace life a lot. I really hate to feel as though I’m being ‘preachy’ or trying to paint myself a perfect person. It took me a long time to admit what many of my on internal flaws are; it was no easy feat. But I also feel that with every layer of skin I shed, it’s just necessary for me to speak on it. Being real with myself out loud (even if it is on a blog) has really helped me put things into perspective…not only with myself but the things and people around me. And the more clearer the picture, the more obvious it becomes that sometimes, you really have to let go.
I was really tried like SHIT at least twice today; as previously stated, I feel that I sort of invited certain things in my space b/c I started my morning off talking about something and then bam! The exact same thing comes slapping me in the face. And right after that, that ‘lesson’ I talked about in outgrowing people and things and simply letting go.
I’m truly a work in progress; I still get angry and sometimes fly off the handle about people and things that I don’t need to. I’m working on that. I’m working to fix what I can b/c I feel that I deserve more. In the past I punished myself. I punished myself for the bad decisions I’ve made regarding my lifestyle & the bad decisions I’ve made in choosing ‘who’ to involve in my life (be it on the friendship or relationship tip). But with everyday, I swear I grow more and more comfortable with saying ‘no more.’ I refuse to surround myself with people and things that aren’t conducive with my growth. I also refuse (although it’s extremely hard at times) to let the ills of past dictate the details of my future.
To anyone and everyone who’s supported throughout…even if you never agreed with ANYTHING I’ve EVER done….I thank you. I’m changing the name of the blog from SheSoFly.com to More Than Myself. I’ll use this as a reminder that with each time I write and detail any aspect of life through my eyes, I’m growing to become a better person than I was the day before….with or without you. I’m more than myself.
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