EMOTIONALLY SPENT…

EMOTIONALLY SPENT…

*sigh* This blog will probably be “all over the place.” I have so much going on in my head right now that I can’t think straight and I’m just “spent.” I hate feeling as though I’ve invested time in someone or something, only to find out that they weren’t who I thought they were.

I won’t go into specifics. There’s no real need to. What I will say is that I spend a lot of time ignoring the hell out of my instinct. I also have a tendency to be a little more forgiving than I should. People may see me clown around on Twitter or even post snarky commentary on my blog. But one thing I WILL say (whether YOU choose to believe it or not) is I have a heart. And I’d much rather see the good in people rather than always seeing the bad.

There has never been a time in my life when I’ve felt more betrayed. I know that I’m not perfect and yes, I’ve screwed up friendships in the past. Maybe it’s my karma….I dunno. But I hate when I’m at the end of my rope and left feeling stupid. I think back on things and ask myself, ‘Why didn’t I notice that before?’

I do believe in loyalty. My older years have taught me that being loyal to those you call friends is more important than the title itself. I believe in having my friends’ back. I believe in being honest with my friends. I believe in trusting them 100%. Anytime I feel as though I can only give of myself slightly, we’re not friends; we’re merely associates.

It’s hard being emotionally invested in someone, only to find out that they’re partially to blame for some of your ‘net slander. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you physically watch someone ‘pop off’ on your behalf when someone else gets buck on or uses you, only to find that they’ve been guilty of much of the same. It’s hard dealing with showing any level of emotion when your ‘friend’ tells you they’re sick, their family member is sick, something’s amiss in their home front…whatever…only to find out that it was all a lie.

The sad thing is is you can watch people do dirt to others and oftentimes automatically assume that b/c they’re YOUR friend, it’d never happen to you. My bad for assuming.

I don’t need anybody to feel sorry for me. As with anything, I disassociate myself. I’m usually not the type to cut people off at the first sign of drama but after this experience, I see that it’ll be very necessary going forward. Everybody doesn’t deserve a second and third chance. And if you’re falling out with people over the same stuff, they’re no longer making mistakes….they’re out to hurt you and really don’t give a fuck.

I don’t need “friends” who pretend to be a friend. If you don’t care much for me, it’s totally your choice not to deal with me. But to call yourself my friend and damn near dare anyone to say otherwise, to call me about your problems and listen to mine…I mean, for what? To throw it back in my face later? To save for some type of ammo?

Either or, I’m annoyed. I’m tired of giving chances. I’m tired of being suspicious. I don’t have solid proof of anything but what I do have is my gut. My gut literally YELLED at me for several years but b/c I’m the type of person that would rather look at the good in people than assume the bad, I ignored it. But I’ve officially been played. Beyond played. And I’m done with it.

The Cancer in me would love to throw caution to the wind and just rant about the bullshit so that in some way, that person could feel what I felt when I found out that our whole relationship was nothing but a lie. But when you can so freely lie to me about simple shit, when you can play on my sympathy when you think I’m pissed off so that you can reverse a feeling that isn’t even there, how can I assume that you have it in you to feelin the first place?

The only thing I can do is move on with my life…without that ‘friend’ by my side. I don’t even know how to fix my mouth to say that I’ll pray for them b/c how do you ask God to turn someone’s ways around when they’ve been acting the same for so long? Like, how do you word that? Fill me in…..

Nonetheless, I will be more cautious about my associations from now on. I won’t be so quick to call someone my friend. I’ll not only take heed when negative things are brought to my attention but most importantly, I’ll listen to my gut. I’ve turned my back on it so many times that I’m surprised it sticks around.

If nothing else, I’ll learn to be more loyal to that…..