What to do when confused?

Say to self: Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

The new

Just remember change is life.

In each moment remain available to the new.

When people cling to the old, change stops. Change comes with the new. With the old there is no change, but people cling to old because it seems secure, comfortable, familair. You have to live with it,so you know it, you have skillful in it, knowledgeable about it

EMOTIONALLY SPENT…

EMOTIONALLY SPENT…

*sigh* This blog will probably be “all over the place.” I have so much going on in my head right now that I can’t think straight and I’m just “spent.” I hate feeling as though I’ve invested time in someone or something, only to find out that they weren’t who I thought they were.

I won’t go into specifics. There’s no real need to. What I will say is that I spend a lot of time ignoring the hell out of my instinct. I also have a tendency to be a little more forgiving than I should. People may see me clown around on Twitter or even post snarky commentary on my blog. But one thing I WILL say (whether YOU choose to believe it or not) is I have a heart. And I’d much rather see the good in people rather than always seeing the bad.

There has never been a time in my life when I’ve felt more betrayed. I know that I’m not perfect and yes, I’ve screwed up friendships in the past. Maybe it’s my karma….I dunno. But I hate when I’m at the end of my rope and left feeling stupid. I think back on things and ask myself, ‘Why didn’t I notice that before?’

I do believe in loyalty. My older years have taught me that being loyal to those you call friends is more important than the title itself. I believe in having my friends’ back. I believe in being honest with my friends. I believe in trusting them 100%. Anytime I feel as though I can only give of myself slightly, we’re not friends; we’re merely associates.

It’s hard being emotionally invested in someone, only to find out that they’re partially to blame for some of your ‘net slander. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you physically watch someone ‘pop off’ on your behalf when someone else gets buck on or uses you, only to find that they’ve been guilty of much of the same. It’s hard dealing with showing any level of emotion when your ‘friend’ tells you they’re sick, their family member is sick, something’s amiss in their home front…whatever…only to find out that it was all a lie.

The sad thing is is you can watch people do dirt to others and oftentimes automatically assume that b/c they’re YOUR friend, it’d never happen to you. My bad for assuming.

I don’t need anybody to feel sorry for me. As with anything, I disassociate myself. I’m usually not the type to cut people off at the first sign of drama but after this experience, I see that it’ll be very necessary going forward. Everybody doesn’t deserve a second and third chance. And if you’re falling out with people over the same stuff, they’re no longer making mistakes….they’re out to hurt you and really don’t give a fuck.

I don’t need “friends” who pretend to be a friend. If you don’t care much for me, it’s totally your choice not to deal with me. But to call yourself my friend and damn near dare anyone to say otherwise, to call me about your problems and listen to mine…I mean, for what? To throw it back in my face later? To save for some type of ammo?

Either or, I’m annoyed. I’m tired of giving chances. I’m tired of being suspicious. I don’t have solid proof of anything but what I do have is my gut. My gut literally YELLED at me for several years but b/c I’m the type of person that would rather look at the good in people than assume the bad, I ignored it. But I’ve officially been played. Beyond played. And I’m done with it.

The Cancer in me would love to throw caution to the wind and just rant about the bullshit so that in some way, that person could feel what I felt when I found out that our whole relationship was nothing but a lie. But when you can so freely lie to me about simple shit, when you can play on my sympathy when you think I’m pissed off so that you can reverse a feeling that isn’t even there, how can I assume that you have it in you to feelin the first place?

The only thing I can do is move on with my life…without that ‘friend’ by my side. I don’t even know how to fix my mouth to say that I’ll pray for them b/c how do you ask God to turn someone’s ways around when they’ve been acting the same for so long? Like, how do you word that? Fill me in…..

Nonetheless, I will be more cautious about my associations from now on. I won’t be so quick to call someone my friend. I’ll not only take heed when negative things are brought to my attention but most importantly, I’ll listen to my gut. I’ve turned my back on it so many times that I’m surprised it sticks around.

If nothing else, I’ll learn to be more loyal to that…..

MAYBE YOU HAVEN’T BEEN HIT WITH THE REALITY OF YOUR PAST…

…this was something that was said to me by the bestie today.

I think I may have talked to him a good three or four times today. It’s actually a record b/c I usually maybe talk on the phone with him once or twice in a week…briefly. But today was different. I think that I invited certain things into my ‘space’ that really caused my entire day to be sort of messed up.

There’s so much going through my mind right now. Since I first started blogging back in 2004, I’ve used a personal blog as a way of expressing whatever was on my mind at the moment. Good, bad, indifferent…if it needed to be said, it was likely posted on public domain for all to see. I got so use to the idea of not being able to keep a physical journal (they’d be thrown away) that the thought of having one now just seems so foreign. Learned behavior, I suppose….

Where do I begin….

I’ve blogged many times (both in written form and on Youtube) about my (past) life not being the best in the world. I’ve made a ton of not so good decisions that couldultimately impact me for the rest of my life. I’ve lied, I’ve cheated (not in dating relationships…), I stolen things. I’ve been hungry, homeless, hopeless. I’ve been a bad friend, a bad sibling. Anything that you can put the word ‘bad’ in front of, it’s likely that I’ve been it.

I’m 31 now. And while I still feel as though I’m a work in CONSTANT progress, I also know…factually….that I’ve grown into a much better person. There are people out there who will decide not to believe that for one reason or another…some reasons more valid than others. But I do know that I have changed a lot. I’ve outgrown certain things and people. And sometimes, I don’t take heed to that.

Without going into too much detail (in other words, don’t look for specifics…not today), I will say that there are people and things that I’ve held on to…things and people that I’ve needed to let go of for quite some time. You know how you have a situation that just doesn’t work out? No matter how much you try to mold it into whatever cute piece of art you’d like for it to be, the picture is still distorted? That’s where I am right now with a lot of things and people. There are things that have become so commonplace in my life that it seems that letting go or moving beyond it is damn near impossible. Or at least I thought it was.

There’s just no explaining your position sometimes. There are people out there who, no matter what your personal intentions are, will try to break you in every way imaginable. You’re so blinded by a kind gesture, a compliment, a random ‘reach out,’ that you don’t think back on any of the reasons why you ‘left well enough alone’ in the first place.

Anytime you can reflect on memories of your past with someone…or something….and the majority of the things you remember have some negative stigma attached to it, leave it alone. Sometimes you have to be hit with the ‘reality of your past’ to understand that your current situation is no longer the same. And because of that, the people that you surround yourself with, the things that once seemed all too familiar….they all have to change too. It’s not really about ‘forgetting where you’ve come from’ but instead, remembering that you have places to go. And being held back by people who aren’t forward thinkers, those dark clouds, or ‘negative Nancys’ won’t help your progress in the long run.

When I blog like this, I find myself being a part of that backspace life a lot. I really hate to feel as though I’m being ‘preachy’ or trying to paint myself a perfect person. It took me a long time to admit what many of my on internal flaws are; it was no easy feat. But I also feel that with every layer of skin I shed, it’s just necessary for me to speak on it. Being real with myself out loud (even if it is on a blog) has really helped me put things into perspective…not only with myself but the things and people around me. And the more clearer the picture, the more obvious it becomes that sometimes, you really have to let go.

I was really tried like SHIT at least twice today; as previously stated, I feel that I sort of invited certain things in my space b/c I started my morning off talking about something and then bam! The exact same thing comes slapping me in the face. And right after that, that ‘lesson’ I talked about in outgrowing people and things and simply letting go.

I’m truly a work in progress; I still get angry and sometimes fly off the handle about people and things that I don’t need to. I’m working on that. I’m working to fix what I can b/c I feel that I deserve more. In the past I punished myself. I punished myself for the bad decisions I’ve made regarding my lifestyle & the bad decisions I’ve made in choosing ‘who’ to involve in my life (be it on the friendship or relationship tip). But with everyday, I swear I grow more and more comfortable with saying ‘no more.’ I refuse to surround myself with people and things that aren’t conducive with my growth. I also refuse (although it’s extremely hard at times) to let the ills of past dictate the details of my future.

To anyone and everyone who’s supported throughout…even if you never agreed with ANYTHING I’ve EVER done….I thank you. I’m changing the name of the blog from SheSoFly.com to More Than Myself. I’ll use this as a reminder that with each time I write and detail any aspect of life through my eyes, I’m growing to become a better person than I was the day before….with or without you. I’m more than myself.